Monday, January 2, 2012

Afraid to Live Life. . . . .

I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve but sometimes thoughts just need to be shared. Sorry if this is hard to understand, when emotions are crazy, my thoughts are hard to get into words.      

   This morning as I was driving into town to see my brother before he goes back to South Carolina (2863 miles away) to continue his basic training, I had a ton of emotions overtake me. I was driving thinking how thankful I am to have my brother and sister there when I need the, and how thankful I am to have two beautiful children and a man who stands by my side.
            On my way into town I passed the local fire station and saw the flag flying at half staff, and I just broke out in tears. Last week a local man, who I went to high school with, who was also a firefighter and a paramedic passed away in a tragic car accident, leaving behind family and friends. Earlier that same night an elderly woman who I have know my whole 24 years of life passed away in another traffic accident, leaving behind children, a husband and many friends. The man I went to high school with I didn't know him that well, we were only acquaintances, but that didn't seem to matter, it broke my heart. I cried and cried, not only because he passed away and I felt bad for all those who were close to him, but also because reality really set it and I realized that it could be anybody. I know when something like this happens, everyone says "treat people like it is the last time you will see them, you never know." well really you don't ever know.  I never really thought about death before I had children, now I am terrified of it. And not because I am worried about where I will go. But I am terrified, my boys will not remember me, or Ian wont know how to take care of them like I do, or what if they don't know how to cope. . . and the thoughts go on and on. Or god forbid something happen to one of them, I would be beside myself.  I know I shouldn't live like that but I can't help it. The day after both these people passed away, Ian went to the grocery store and was gone longer then I thought he should be, I called him and called him frantic, afraid that something had happened, I don't like to leave my house out of fear that something might happen. Crazy right. I don't know how to get over this or deal with this fear. Hopefully in time thing will be semi normal again for me. I know things will never be the same for the families and friends of Tyler and Maria.

I pray for comfort and peace for everyone who is suffering through all this and hope that some light can be seen. I pray that I stop living in fear and accept that there is a master plan that no one knows.

RIP Tyler and Maria

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